Well, in my elementary days, I was never the kid you'll see playing with everyone outside every weekend. I'd rather watch Dora the Explorer, Spongebob, Blue's Clues and the like. I have friends but I was never really the outgoing type. Maybe it's because I feel that my plump, oversize figure's pulling me down. But when I had the chance to talk, I talk a lot. Like a lot a lot. I was the kind of person that doesn't like conversations ending. Most of the times, I was the one who talks last because I want the conversation to continue. In high school, I became more open and gained a lot of friends. I also lost a lot of weight. I still talk a lot but I started being cautious about the words that came out of my mouth. I realized back then that words could hurt and side-jokes can break down one's self-esteem.
Somehow, now in college, limiting myself on talking became worse. Now, I can't even speak my mind on things. I'll always think thrice before I talk. When someone angers me, I don't even let them know and put on a front. A fake front. I became mute of the real feelings I had. I think it was because I don't want to make a big deal out of everything. I accepted the fact that most people aren't like me who think first before they say something bad. Unlike them, I wasn't a normal kid who can speak her mind. Though, these days, I kind of hate being the way I am.
It's like I locked myself in my own cage. Whenever someone gives me a bad comment (the really meant and hurtful kind) I would just let it slide and smile at them. Not letting them know that it really hurt my ego. If I even have an ego left with accepting everyone's remark about the things that I should change about myself. I know it's a bad thing to cage it all in but I got so used to it that I didn't seem to have a choice anymore.
I just hope that there will be someone out there to free me. You know, like a friend that could see my face and know that there's something wrong. Because the way that I am right now, I know that I wouldn't be able to pull myself out of this silence-- the silence that seems to be unknown to everyone around me.
